My DNA column: Harried Mum’s Guide to Summer

So the summers are here. What is the first thing that comes to your mind as a mum? For me, it is always the summer vacations. With two kids and two months of no school, it is seriously an effort to keep them busy, considering that this is a generation, which, if they have nothing to do for five minutes can go into an ‘I am bored’ mode. As a mother, it is a task to keep them suitably occupied. It is a job most mums today take very seriously.

The summer vacation planning for a mum begins well in advance. It starts with planning a holiday during the summers to escape the Mumbai heat. In this department I am found wanting at most times. I can’t plan meticulously, or in advance, so most times the husband is left with the job of planning something perfect, as per our wishes.

If travelling is not on the agenda, then how does one make the same city they live in as exciting as possible for the children? In this, I manage to do a decent job. Ask me how? It is simple, I just pack a few things to eat, and plenty of water, and head to the beach or nearby garden. If weather conditions are favourable, we just pack the kids and go to the zoo or a long drive outside the city.
My kids are given a lot of time for unstructured play — whatever they want to do — and most importantly, I push them to head outdoors to play. Though my son would much rather prefer sitting at home with a book in his hand, watching television or playing on PSP. Well, honest confession, I let him have a fair share of such days too.

If not exploring the city with the children, the next best thing is to enroll them for some summer camp, which keeps them away from home as well as keeps them suitably employed. I have usually been the herd mom. What is a herd mom, you ask? She is someone who will choose an activity for the child depending on what the majority of moms are doing with theirs. So most decisions depend on what others are doing.

Organising something as simple as a play date becomes a huge task, as most kids have better planned mommies and they are out vacationing somewhere or have already enrolled their kids for some exclusive summer camps with limited seats. I have noticed just before the school shuts down, the most discussed topic moves to what the plans for the summer are. Most of the times, I am left ooh-ing and aah-ing hearing others’ plans or their travel destinations.

The best thing to happen to every mum is the mushrooming of various activity centres for kids right in the vicinity where they reside, since during the holidays almost every second house becomes a day care/activity centre for kids of all ages. With the option of flexi hours, this is the ideal choice for most of us. At such times, quality of activity takes a backseat, and convenience becomes a priority. For most of the working mums, it is a blessing in disguise. Most of the schools also are not far behind in organising summer related activities.

This is how the story unfolds for me every year. I have also hurriedly put a plan in place for my kids, which is a mix of all of the above.So tell me, fellow mommy, what is your summer story this year?

To think before you do

(From my column in DNA dated 10th April, 2011)

The biggest challenge any mom-to-be with a full-time job faces is how, after the baby arrives, will she balance her career, her child and her family. Should she continue working or quit her job? I faced a similar dilemma when I had my son eight years back.I had a full-time job then, but I chose to quit and become a stay-at-home mom.

Once I decided to quit, all my attention went in bringing him up. I promised myself that I would put my heart and soul in nourishing and nurturing my new born to be a success story! I started dreaming IIT/ IIM dreams on his behalf.

And of course he wouldn’t be just good at studies, but he also had to be a good sportsperson, fabulous dancer, good musician, and a good artist. Basically, everything rolled into one.

So as soon as he turned a year old I started looking for some age appropriate classes. With each passing day he was getting naughtier, but there were no relevant classes at that point of time where I could send him, to keep him occupied and busy. So by the time he was two I was almost drowning in self-created miseries of not being able to provide him with the right training and losing out on time to achieve perfection. I was almost obsessed with getting him to learn everything before other kids his age could do.

I started him off with tennis lessons at a club close to home. While I always went excitedly, my son kept crying that he didn’t enjoy tennis one bit. So this struggle continued before the coach intervened and told me that ‘I should give my son more time as he was not ready for tennis.’ I took that as a personal slight and in a huff got him to quit. My next attempt was to get him to learn art.

So I enrolled him for art classes, and yet again, I realised what was of interest to me was not for him. I did not stop at that. My other failed attempts were to send him to learn football, dance, skating, kick boxing, kung fu and swimming, besides other academic related classes.Mind you, all this I introduced in his life before he turned six. Exasperated at my failure and his stubborn refusal to learn, I gave up.

When he was six he asked me if I would enroll him for karate classes after school. Though I wanted him to take up basketball, I decided to go with his choice and see his commitment for an activity he had chosen.

I was surprised to see his passion for martial arts and how he took to it. There has been no stopping him after that. He has participated in many inter-school championships and has won some medals too. He doesn’t miss a single day of his coaching. He is willing to travel to far-off places to take part in tournaments.

What this decision managed to do was instill a sense of confidence and responsibility in him. I also realised that he took up the activities he had failed to show an interest in at the initial stage — such as skating, swimming and basketball — with renewed interest. He is doing well in these but his passion clearly lies in karate.

What I have realised is that if you make the child feel competent and capable of taking part in the decision making process, they usually start seeing themselves that way. They end up gaining self-confidence, become slightly more independent and most importantly become thinkers before doers.

I am still trying to get him to take up any one activity of my choosing and still secretly nurse the all-rounder No 1 dream. Come on, as a mom I am allowed to do that! No, I shall not give up, nor will I give in to every random choice he chooses to make.

For the love of her very own room

(From my column in DNA dated 13th March, 2011)

I have been a mummy for almost eight years, and the journey has been very satisfying till now. My kids mean the world to me. But I am sure you would agree that it is not a perfect world and there is no perfect mum. So yes, while I am a proud mum, I also possess the ability to rant about some situations that I find myself in as a mother. One thing I am certain of is that our kids are smarter in understanding us and know exactly which buttons to press to get the desired response from their parents.

Recently, I decided that my 3-year-old daughter needed to move out of our bedroom. Sigh! Yes she still sleeps with us. I took this entire process as a project that I had to complete in a time frame of one month. Little did I realise that it would not be as easy as I envisaged. Stage one was when I gently persuaded her with promises of sleep fairy leaving a chocolate/toy for her if she slept in her own room.

Her instant response to that was, “Mama, chocolates are not good for the teeth so please tell sleep fairy that I don’t want” and “I have lots of toys. I don’t want anymore.” End of discussion. The next stage was slightly sterner where I told her that if she didn’t sleep in her own room everyone would call her a small baby, not a big girl, as she would like to be known.

Well, that worked a bit, she would go to her room but would be back in our bedroom within two hours. In my last desperate attempt to reassert my position as a mum before this project got indefinitely delayed, I got her to choose a few things that she would want in her bedroom to make her room more interesting. So the room got a few pink cut outs and a bit of Dora the Explorer. Voila! It worked like a dream. As of now, she goes off to sleep in her room most times happily, sometimes not so happily.

That brings me to another much-discussed topic between mums. When is it the right time to get the child to move out of your room? Most mums I spoke to were clearly divided on this topic. Some mums I shared this experience with told me that I had left it for too late, to which I tend to agree, as my son had moved out as soon as he was 2. Then, on the other side of the spectrum, are the ones who believe I was being a bit too ‘harsh’ on the ‘poor little darling’ and that I should let her be.

As a mother I have come to terms with the fact that there is no fixed solution to a certain issue that one faces with the child. You have to constantly keep evolving depending on the child, the situation and the environment. What works for one may not work for another and remember as a mum — you know best.